Tag Archives: anxiety

The Pits, Part one

Maybe I’m not managing as well as I thought I was. 
I want to bury my head in a pillow and simultaneously scream and cry. 

I feel like a scene in a movie, you know, where it’s pouring rain and some poor sap is standing in the midst of it cursing the heavens. That’s me. That’s what’s going on in my head.
Writing helps a lot. Getting things on to a screen or paper and out of my head is a saving grace.
I just wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I had a normal functioning brain buuuuut I don’t. So try as I might, coping is my only option.

Anyway. Rough day. But, there are better ones ahead.

So, I leave you with this (not my art, see watermark!)

 Good day friends. 

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Talk is cheap, and terrifying

I had a regular conversation with someone at my daughter’s school this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing too crazy, just a normal everyday conversation. 
Tell me why I can talk to anybody about anything but then after the fact I’ll sit there and relive the conversation in my head and anxiously curse myself for stupid things that I might have said. 
It was just a regular conversation typical good mornings and how do you do. But what if I said it funny? What if I said something wrong? Did I stutter on my words? Does she think I’m absolutely ridiculous? And why did I have to say that?!?! 

I’ll probably relive this conversation until the next time that I talk to someone. At which point I’ll relive that conversation a million times and wonder the same things. 
When I was younger I didn’t seem to mind what people thought about me. I was actually the Daredevil in my family. I had no shame and no fear, so what happened?

 Where did that Fearless little girl go and why is she this anxious bubble she is now?

 As I go through my days now I try to remind myself that nobody’s opinion really matters. 

That I probably didn’t say anything stupid.

That they probably aren’t even thinking about our conversation. 

And if they are thinking about our conversation it’s likely that she too is thinking did I sound stupid, did I say something wrong, is she judging me right now? 

Or maybe she’s even thinking to herself what a delightful conversation that was and how she hopes to have another one tomorrow. I can’t be sure but all I do know is this

Worry is like a rocking chair.

Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock.

It’s a great way to go no where fast.


Happy sunday friends. 

No I’m just kidding its Monday. …..


A little neglectful, a little successful. 

I haven’t been here much.

It seems like every update is a mass update.
Things are going blissully well, and I’m extremely grateful. 


My anxiety, though it be the plauge in my life, has been much more manageable. (Here’s a few things to thank for that )

  • I have started to begin each day with a good thought. Something I am grateful for, or a positive affirmation (there are lots of apps that offer daily affirmations).
  • Speaking of apps I have been utilizing my phone as a wellness tool. 30 day gratitude challenges,  meditation apps, I have an app that talks you through breaths during an anxiety or panic attack. There’s resources out there that offer great wellness solutions and actually trying and sticking to them has changed my life.
  • I stopped allowing negative thoughts and feelings to enter my space. Worry is like a rocking chair has been a lovely motto for me. If I can’t fix change or do anything about a problem, I stop worrying about it. If I can do something to fix change or better the situation, then I do that.
  •  I have gotten better at stopping and checking in with myself. Taking a break and reflecting on how things are going several times throughout the say has been majorly successful.
  • I got a job that I actually love. Work is my happy place and I absolutely mean that. No matter what industry you are in find something you love. A fantastic boss and helpful strong coworkers are a blessing.

I don’t get to spend as much time with my husband or my kids, but we have more money incoming which means we have the funds to do more fun family outings.
More income also means a little spoilage for myself.

I’ll post a better picture when it heals and has lightened up. But, by that time I plan to have the diadem, sorting hat, and a few other little odes to my obsession as well.
Until next time loves.

Transparancey is Trendy

I’ve let my brain control every aspect of my life for far too long. You’re reading this probably thinking to yourself “..uhm, duh..” but it’s so much more than simple decision making, simple thoughts. When I say it controls me, I mean the irrationality. When you live with an imbalance, a disorder, a disease, whatever it may be- everything becomes so much harder.

When you are socially anxious even things as simple as checking the mail or getting grocieries is taxing. 

When you have PTSD from abuse it’s a constant war with your own thoughts. It’s trying to sort out the lies you’ve been made to believe about yourself, from what’s real about you. 

When you have anxiety it is being endlessly irriational and believing that irrationality. It’s over thinking and over analyzing. 

When you have depression it’s fighting to be okay and brief moments of solace or distraction followed by being swallowed whole by your thoughts. 

When you add all of those together you get me. For two years this has owned me. 

Today I’m taking my power back. 

I’ve decided to open up with raw transparancey.

 I’ve decided to share my own daily Pits (the dirty, bad, and hard). As well as my Peaches (all the sweetness, the fruity goodness, what keeps me going ). Because I can fight through all this negative in my head with the beauty around me and I can get “better”.

I can’t feel like this forever.

I REFUSE to live like this anymore.

I challenge you, even if your life is full of Pits, to find and focus on the Peaches. 

Be well friends.